I fathered children in my mid 20ʼs, but I didn’t arrive at fatherhood until my mid 50ʼs. I really struggled to be “fatherly” before I had some harsh realizations about my way of showing up for my family.
One day my daughter revealed to me she had been assaulted multiple times in her life. She was in her 20ʼs at the time of her revelation to me. I had been training people to defend themselves and stay out of harm’s way for several years. As a father it was hard to hear about her assaults. It was even harder to process that I wasn’t there to protect her even during her first assault when she was young and still well under my responsibility.
The day she told me about the assaults I said “we need to train you on how to stay out of those situations.
She became angry with me and said “You’re victim blaming”.
Victim blaming is when blame is placed on the individuals for the harm they have experienced rather than holding the perpetrator accountable.
I recalled how another person I was close to had been raped when she was 18 years old. When she told her parents her father essentially blamed her for putting herself in that situation. I can only imagine the emotions that come along with being accused of causing your own rape. But I’m aware that historically women have taken the brunt of blame for men’s predatory behavior.
My daughter believes, as do I, that each person should be responsible for their own behavior if it victimizes another human being. We both believe that each person should master control of their own impulses. No woman “deserves to be victimized in any way, shape, or form. Nor should any man be let off the hook for violating a woman.
Self-defense training for women has nuances that don’t exist when training men.
As fathers, it is our responsibility to protect our daughters when they are younger. The best way to teach them to protect themselves after childhood is to demonstrate what it looks like when a man respects and values them as equals, men who would be gentle protectors. In this way we also teach them to discover their unique position in society. A good and primary way to train women in self-defense, then, is to insure they learn how to keep predators and immature men at a distance physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
This linked article concludes that roughly 80% of sexual assault victims are assaulted by someone they are familiar with. We are confident the research we study supports the methods we use to teach a component of our classes that help women learn to trust what their intuition is saying to them.
Many of the wonderful women we have the honor of training are single moms. They and their daughters have little to no experience being around men who demonstrate healthy masculinity or good male role models. When we use male trainers, we intentionally use men who are vetted gentle protectors, trained to show up as advocates for empowering the unique, significant role given to women. We do everything we know how to do to facilitate a training environment where women are open to learn because they feel valued and protected by every member of our instructor team, regardless of gender.
My daughter interpreted my training statement as blaming her for what happened to her. Perhaps my initial delivery of that statement had a hint of guilt disguised as blame, parenting is weighty and failing at it costs, mainly the children. What I have learned through the study of human development is that father figures have the best chance of preemptively teaching children, particularly girls, what it looks and feels like to be rightly valued. As I explained to my daughter, I, too, want the world to be a different place, particularly for women. Until that day happens, our only way to empower women to avoid becoming victims of violent crime is to put the power in their hands to recognize and avoid the potential. It stinks, but if we can help one woman avoid being sexually assaulted, we alter her generations in the positive. So that is our focus.
Women who are seeking self-defense training should make extra effort to vet the trainer(s) and pay attention to how their body is responding to how they speak, act, and answer questions. We’re not saying your discomfort means they are bad people. We are saying if you are not comfortable, there’s less likelihood you will receive what you need from the training.
Patrick Sharkey, in his book Uneasy Peace stated:
The likelihood of a crime occurring depends on three elements: A motivated offender, a vulnerable victim, and the absence of a capable guardian.
This really boils down to how the motivated offender perceives their potential prey. Does the perpetrator see vulnerability or weakness that can be exploited to close the distance and gain access? If so, they are already motivated and looking for a way to exploit that vulnerability, that weakness. Their victim may not see themselves as vulnerable or weak, but something as simple and pure as kindness will be exploited by a motivated offender because their mind is predatory, and we must call them what they are… predators.
Watch this full clip from the movie “Wind River.” Jeremy Rennerʼs character makes a statement about wolves and luck. He perfectly describes the predator/prey dynamic. Note, if you have not seen this movie just be aware there is a rape scene late in the movie. While it explains some of the movie, there is plenty of information throughout the movie to paint the plot without that scene. I recommend people fast forward past it.
People who are unaware and untrained are exploited by predators that thrive by victimizing people. Awareness is the first step. Our Signature Predatory Awareness Training addresses this and talks about the danger of a condition called Normalcy Bias:
Normalcy bias is a cognitive bias that causes people to underestimate the likelihood and potential impact of disasters or dangerous situations. It leads individuals to believe that since something has never happened before, it won’t happen in the future or itʼs not happening now. This psychological phenomenon can make people ignore warning signs and fail to prepare for or react appropriately to threats.
In self-defense and personal safety contexts, normalcy bias can be particularly dangerous because it may cause individuals to:
- Dismiss or downplay warning signs of potential danger
- Assume that “it won’t happen to me” despite clear risk factors
- Delay taking protective or evasive action when threats appear
- Fail to prepare or train for potentially dangerous situations
Overcoming normalcy bias is crucial for developing proper situational awareness and protecting oneself from potential threats.
In my daughter’s case her frustration and desire for things to be different may have created a tendency towards normalcy bias. As her father, I want the world to be as she desires. As a father who knows I can’t be there 24/7, I want to train my daughter so she won’t succumb to victimization because she missed important cues.
I will say, again, there is no excuse for man or woman to force their will on another person. There are, however, reasons why people become victims. As the quote from the book implies, the presence of a motivated offender (a predator) is really the first step. We love to empower women to be their own “capable guardians” when predators might view them as “vulnerable victims”. Avoidance from being chosen is our preferred focus of training.
Final Thoughts
Proverbs 22:3 & Proverbs 27:2 identically state:
A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.
The word prudent means “acting with or showing care and thought for the future.
The human body is equipped to foresee and just needs training to reveal how.
